Funky Feelings

Lately, I've been in a funk. It's made me extremely irritable and I get upset at the littlest things. After being on vacation, I've come to realize some things. I don't really want the life that I lead. Part of me is wanting to get the hell out of Arizona. I feel as if I need new surroundings, new people. I've been mixed up in all sorts of drama for far too long and it kind of took it's toll on me. It's affected my diet, my mood, my relationships, my job...everything. In turn, it feels like I've slowly managed to slip into depression. Not good. I used to be able to pick myself up after these kind of things, but it's been really hard this time. I fell really hard and I'm unable to do it on my own. I'm in need of assistance and I feel like every time I start to get back up, something comes around to push me right back down again. It's a sad feeling. I feel sort of alone, even though I know I'm not. I have a hard time explaining my feelings and the thoughts going on in my head. Words have never been something I'm good with. I'm better at writing. I'm really missing my family. In both Oregon and Iowa. I thought I was okay, but some days I'm really not. I will be though, and in the end, that's what matters.

Well, that it's for now folks. Just a little blurb to help explain the mood swings. Peace out.

The Song Has Been Sung

And so, my family is officially moving to Iowa on the 19th of June. Yeah...bum deal to the max. I avoid things, including emotions and reality. Just avoid it altogether. Not one of the better qualities that I possess, but it's just something I do. For a while there, I really didn't think this move was going to happen. I was being pretty selfish because I was excited that they didn't have anyone interested in the house. Awful thing to be excited about, I know. But, again, I tend to be a little selfish at times. When they broke the news to me that the house had been sold, it was like I had been hit by a semi-truck. I heard that annoying "screeeeeeeeeeeech" sound inside my head. I wasn't quite sure how I should have reacted to the news. Should I be happy? Sad? Excited? Angry? All of the above??? I honestly don't know how I'm going to react when it happens. The great thing about it is that I have an amazing support system. My friends and family are wonderful and I know they will be there for me until the very end. I may need a lot of shoulders to lean on. This is going to kill part of me for a while, but I will move on and I'll become a stronger person after this. I truly didn't expect to live in the same state as my family for my entire life. I've been spoiled with that. I think what I'm mostly afraid of is that I'm going to miss out on my little brother and sister's lives. Ugh...I don't think anyone could possibly understand how much that tugs at my heart. Tears are welling up in my eyes right now at the very thought of it. I haven't been a huge part of their lives as it is, and now many regrets are surfacing. This too shall pass, this too shall pass. I gotta remember to just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin', and to keep moving forward. Two quotes from Disney movies in the same sentence :) That's how I roll.

Anyways, I dedicate this to my family. I will miss you very much. I'm hanging in there the best that I can. And in a crazy way, I believe that this will just bring us closer rather than push us farther apart. I love you guys. Don't worry, be happy :)

Hello, Bloggers!

It's been a while since I've used this handy dandy blogging site. I kinda forgot about it. And I've been a little busy with school and life. Life has been pretty dramatic for me lately. But it's slowly, but surely, getting back to normal. I haven't been doing that great on my diet. I've put on around 10 pounds over the last 2 months, because of all the stress and drama that has been going on in my life. However, starting tomorrow, I'm officially back on the diet. No cheating whatsoever. And I'm starting a kickboxing class tonight that I'm completely stoked about. I think by doing this, it'll help me lose weight even faster. It's time for me to get phsyical, physical! :) hehe. I'm trying not to stress too much about my weight gain. I've still lost 20 pounds and that's pretty amazing to me. I think that I look trim. And the most important thing is that I'm comfortable in my own skin. This diet has given me more confidence than I could have ever asked for. I'm good with that.

I went to California to visit my "Aunt Kelly" and "Uncle John" :) Haha...We went for Kelly's baby shower. It was a blast, but way too short! You seriously can't spend just 2 days in Cali. You hafta be able to actually spend time there, ya know? It wasn't very relaxing because we were just always going. Constantly...but I had a really good time! I must say though, Kelly and John are one of the only couples that I see who just seem to keep falling even more in love with each other. I admire them for that and I'm completely jealous of what they have, but very glad that they are both truly happy. I love watching them together. They're just so sweet! And they love being in each other's company. And they aren't too mushy about it. It's just...sweet! I know I already said that, but I'm running out of words to say.

Anyways, that's pretty much all I've got to say. I just wanted to check in. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this site anymore, but whatever! I enjoy writing :) Thanks for stopping by!

Hellz Yeah!

Hello my fellow blog readers! Just droppin in to write a quick note. I'm sitting here thinking to myself how worked up we all get over the superbowl. Even I get worked up; me who doesn't pay any attention to football whatsoever during the season. There's something about the superbowl that's exciting. I mean we treat it like it's a national holiday. Most men would probably argue with me on that one and say that it IS a holiday :) It's so amazing how well the Cardinals are doing. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I'm a huge Cardinals fan or anything, but I have to support them because they're my home team. It's nice to see them FINALLY doing well! I just don't like how everyone here has jumped on the bandwagon and is all of a sudden huge Cardinals fans. Most people here probably don't know a thing about them. Sad truth. Anyways, that's my sports talk for the day :)

I'm officially back in school and it's going well. It was the right decison and I'm way proud of myself! It's hard going back after being out for a year. I had several people tell me they didn't think I would go back. I started to believe it too. But after being stuck at Tutor Time for so long, I decided that that was no way to live...No way to live at all. What am I doing for a living? Raising kids, training to be a mom and a housewife. No thanks. Not for me. Not yet at least...I mean I'm only 20 years old folks! I need a career. I'm actually enjoying my job now though. Four days out of the week I only work four hours. So I'm able to tolerate it a little bit better. Yeah, it's a big cut in pay, but it's really okay. I don't need to be making a huge amount of money.

Anyways, I think that's really all I need to say for the time being :) I'll try to check in more often. Thanks for reading guys!

Back to School, Back to School...

I'm totally stoked because after being off for a year, I am officially going back to school in a week :) And I actually have a sense of direction this time. I'm going to get my AA in science because I've decided that I am going to go ahead and pursue zoology. There are so many things I would like to do, but I need to stick with one for now. I love animals. I love everything about them and they truly make me my happiest. Haha, yes I know that was corny. But it is so true. So it only makes sense to do something that I love. I'm so excited :) I feel good! And I feel more dedicated than I have in a while. Yay.

I chopped my hair yesterday. Well, I took about 2 inches off. And my layers on top are really short, which I hate but they need to get cut too. The guy told me that if I want my hair to be one length again, I'm going to have to cut it into the angled bob thing, which I contemplated doing it this time but I wasn't ready. However, next time I think I'm going to do it. Ugh...yeah I'm going to. My hair has thinned out so much and it's cause I have all those stupid short layers on the top of my head. Haha, yes I'm really writing about my hair in my blog. We all know how obsessed I am with it :) But I'll end it here.

I went in for my weigh in on Tuesday and I gained 3 pounds. I really wasn't that upset about it though. I was expecting it. I've been slacking way too much. But I'm finally getting back on track. My mom and I started walking again this week, and I'm gonna start doing a thousand crunches (haha not literally) 'cause my mom got me an awesome crunch ball for Christmas :) Last weekend I bought my first new pairs of jeans that are smaller than the size I've been wearing, AND I got rid of several pairs that were too big. Haha that's so exciting! This is going to be a good year. I think this is going to be the year I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for my life to change drastically and I really think this is it!

Anyways, just felt the need to write. I'm way excited about everything and I wanted to share my excitement with ya'll. Thanks for tuning in!

Bring on the new year

This Christmas kinda blew. I dunno. I was never really in the "Christmas spirit" for some reason. I was just living through it. Don't get me wrong, I got amazing gifts from everyone and I was really excited to give my presents, but I still wasn't really satisfied with everyone's reactions. I mean they all loved my gifts...I can't really explain it. I've been in a sort of funk ever since my co-worker walked out on me. I hate change. I hate coming back to such a huge change. I don't like it when my little world has been tampered with in such a big way. It's frustrating. But I'm doing the best that I can. I'm dealing. There are so many changes that are about to happen and I need to man up and accept them all. Let's see...we got my weight loss, my family moving, my job, going back to school...Change is inevitable. It's always happening. I'm a fool to think otherwise. I need to suck it up. I don't have to like it, but like I said, I need to accept it. Life would be boring without change. So incredibly boring. And I think that's part of my problem. My life doesn't have enough change going on. I have the same routine practically every day (weekends not included). Get up, go to work, come home, bed, get up, go to work, come home, bed...How boring is that?? I'm like a robot. I need to live. I need to take the time and go out with my friends on week nights. So what if I get an hour or 2 less of sleep? I can catch up the next night :) I hate going to bed on the week nights though. I've joked about it with my coworkers, but I truly mean it. The sooner I go to bed, the sooner I have to get up and go to work. Isn't that an awful way to think?? Nobody should live like that. Nobody. And yet, here I am. Living the life I always dreaded to live. I need some excitement. That's my new years resolution - excitement. Next weekend, I'm going through my closet and getting rid of all the clothes I don't wear anymore. I going through all the junk I own and I'm throwing away the stuff I don't use. I'm ready to look change in the eye. I'm embracing it, welcoming it with open arms. This is what I need. Some of you are probably laughing, but I'm taking baby steps. I will overcome this! :)

Anyways, this blog turned in to something I really wasn't expecting. Didn't mean to rant like that. But I must admit, I do feel better! Happy New Year! :) I hope you all had an amazing holiday. Thanks for reading.

Feeeeeelings....

Ever notice how when you're upset or frustrated during the holiday season, people will tell you, "Don't worry, Christmas is coming." As if that's going to make everything better. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. But it doesn't fix my problems. It just puts them on hold for a day. Most of you know that I had pink eye all last week and that I was out of work until Thursday. Well, on Wednesday my co-teacher went on her lunch break and never returned. She just left. Mind you, I was out sick and had no idea this was going on. She had my phone number, she could've sent me a text message telling me she'd had it. She owed me that much. So on Thursday, I went in feeling pretty good. I was looking forward to getting out of the house 'cause I had been cooped up for four days. When I walked into the building, nobody in management had the courtesy to tell me that my co-teacher quit. None of them. I was there for an hour before I heard it from one of my other co-workers. I was absolutely devasted and I had the hardest time holding back my tears all day. I felt like I was being overly sensitive about it. But I mean, we were good friends! It was the last thing I was expecting. I mean, I don't blame her for doing that to the company, but she kinda screwed me over too, ya know? It's so selfish. Now it's my mess to clean up and I'm so tired of cleaning up everyone elses messes. I'm mentally drained. I don't like going into work, feeling like a prisoner. Yes, that's what I feel like! Once you go in, you don't know when you're going to get out! True story. It's been quite stressful there. I have kids in my class who are a pain in the friggen ass and they don't belong to me. They belonged to my co-teacher. Ugh....So frustrating.

I'm hanging in there, guys. Just waiting for that awesome job to come. Sent in 2 applications last week. Keep your fingers crossed. I need all the help I can get!

Anyways, Merry Christmas guys. Thanks for reading.